Search for "homemade sex toy" on google and you'll quickly realize that a lot of men are making their own sex toys.

This isn't necessarily a bad idea, but it's not easy to make a good sex toy at home.

Ideas range from painful to dangerous to downright disgusting. So, for your reading pleasure, I've highlighted five that caught my eye as contenders for "the five worst homemade male sex toy ideas of all time".

Idea #1. Make Your Own Hi-Tech Toy

The over-sexed tech-geeks at OpenDildonics have plenty of advice to offer the would-be homemade sex toy hobbyist on making the best homemade male sex toy. If you've been wondering how to connect a relay to your DB-25 connector, they can help.

But surely there has to be an easier way to get off.

It seems that geeks Geeks are always up for a challenge. One guy even made a contraption out of lego that does a great job if you have a candle in need of a (somewhat abrasive) hand job. Watch the video.

Idea #2. Make Your Own Sex Doll

Believe it or not, the internet has plenty of advice for men on the subject of how to make your own sex doll. Most of this wisdom focuses on mechanics rather than aesthetics, and the results show. Oh, the horror!

Some poor unfortunates even get addicted to these dolls and end up living with fully-fledged fabricated harems, breathing in PVC fumes and staring into those dull plastic eyes 24x7.

As Tabo says in the video "a human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes, but these dolls never do those things. they belong to me 100%."  Watch the video.

If you really need a plastic pal, why not fork out the cash (6 large) and do it right with a real doll.

Idea #3. The Household Vacuum Cleaner

The household vacuum cleaner. Obvious dangers aside, why on earth would you use a vacuum cleaner to masturbate. Novelty? Availability? Cleanliness? Perhaps.

Problem is, if your vacuum cleaner is anything like mine, it emits a funky, please-change-my-bag odor as soon as you turn it on. I very much doubt that the addition of a regular dose of your special sauce will improve that situation.

Let's keep the vacuum cleaner for what it does best; remote spider extraction.

Idea #4. The Mystery-Meat Mystery

I really don't know where to start with this or if I even need to explain why this is a bad idea.

The idea basically involves finding a pile of cheap meat, and shagging it.

By "cheap meat", I'm not talking the drunks at the local club. I'm talking about cruising the meat aisle at safeway.

There is something just a little too serial-killer-esque about this for my taste. And, excuse me for asking, but can you re-use your meat? I really hope that the answer is no.

Enough from me, I think I'll let the proponents of this activity speak for themselves.

• "Get a can of Spam, take the whole block out, and heat it in the microwave to warm it [...] cut a hole in the center to make it look like a vagina"
• "Buy a piece of the cheapest raw liver you can find. Warm it up, slice a slot into and whack away"
• "Gather a bunch of meat from the grocery store [...] Cut the meat off the bones and pile it all in a basket or bowl of some sort"
• "If you're money conscious a can of dog food might be the thing for you [...]"

Idea #5. Power-Tool Your Tool

I do want to explain why this one is a bad idea. The basic idea involves taking a power tool (drills, rotary sanders, chain saws etc.) and without even making the effort to take your pants off, you hold the (non business) end of the vibrating tool to your tool.

Now, power tools can be squirmy enough when you're fully concentrating on drilling a hole in, say, a can of spam. But when you're trying to conjure up a mental image of the silver-dressed Elizabeth Hurley in the "Spy Who Shagged Me", things can be a little more challenging.

So before you get out your tool kit and start making your very own homemade sex toy, you might consider signing up to be a rubbot beta tester, or god forbid, getting yourself a girlfriend.

If you can't pull that off, don't dispair, I'll write soon about something that you can make at home, so keep an eye on my rss feed or check back.